Tag Archives: Humor

SPREAD THE STUPIDITY ~ PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY!!!

SPREAD THE STUPIDITY

Only in This Stupid World
…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World
…do banks leave vault doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in This Stupid World
…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World
…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in This Stupid World
…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

…Why the sun lightens our hair,…but darkens our skin?

…Why don’t you ever see the headline…’Psychic Wins Lottery’?

…Why is it that Doctors call what they do…’practice’?

…Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

…Why is the man who invests all your money…called a broker?

…Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called…rush hour?

…Why isn’t there Mouse-flavoured cat food?

 

…Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

…Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

…You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?…Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

…Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

…Why are they called apartments when…
they are all stuck together?


…If con is the opposite of Pro,…
is Congress the opposite of progress?

…If flying is so safe,…
why do they call the airport the terminal?

I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did ~ I’m still laughing about some of them!

And…of course share this with your friends

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WARNING ~ DRINK H2O ONLY ~ JUST IN CASE ~ HA, HA!!!

A pretty good sign that you should only be drinking good old H2O in case you’re pulled over for a breathalyzer test and the cops have to resort to THIS when the breathalyzer unit isn’t working!!!

Uploaded by JustForLaughsTV on May 19, 2011

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VIDEO ~ Rainsoft Ottawa Reverse Osmosis System_2012

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Web site: http://www.rainsoftofottawa.com

Link to Justforlaughs site ~
http://gags.justforlaughs.com

RAINSOFT OTTAWA’S FUN FRIDAY – PUNOGRAPHY PART II

Punography –  a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings.

 

Health:

 A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.

School:

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Weather:

Earthquake in Washington obviously the government’s fault .

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

Miscellaneous:

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Link –

http://www.talkclassical.com/18592-more-punography-groan.html

RAINSOFT OTTAWA’S FUN FRIDAY – PUNOGRAPHY PART I

PUNOGRAPHYa joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words that sound alike but have different meanings.

Food & drink:

 Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Electronics:

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my I Pod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Arts:

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Sports:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

The indecisive rower couldn’t choose either oar.

If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won’t know what you’re missing.

 

Link

http://www.talkclassical.com/18592-more-punography-groan.html

One sports item from Pun a Day

  See you back here next Friday for Part II